Speaking your Real Truth

Speaking to my mum yesterday and basically having a good ol’ vent, I really got how I can show up in life to other people. Not how I feel, not actually what I think or what I want for myself or others can be projected. A lot of pent-up anger seems to surface and present itself as self-righteousness and arrogance. Which mum rightly pointed out in a very matter of fact manner. Ha ha, geez, Mum – you have no filter, just like me. It was beautiful though. A pure reflection of how I was being in that moment. It did take something for me to not hang up the phone and react with indignant egotism. That tiny bit of self-awareness of my bodily reaction in that moment when I feared hearing a judgment that I did not like was gold. I heard it, I felt the fear in my body and logically choose to stay with it. I knew mum was coming from a good place and I knew I was committed to growing and learning in that moment. I had to hear her out and I had to see what the impact of my communication was.

What I really got was how I had not told her the whole story. I had assumed or failed to recognize how much communication I had left out. A lot of explanation around the sadness, grief, despair and depression I had been feeling leading up to a boiling point of near-rage. Mum got all the rage – not that I was yelling or being in any way aggressive towards her – it was an expression of the anger that she heard though. She heard only how I had decided to take action and how I had (finally, after dealing with, feeling and being with the sadness and other emotions) come to the conclusion that I was “good-enough”. I did not express that a lot of the time I feel worthless, alone and completely inadequate. That it really shakes me up emotionally to see other people impacted and hurt by my actions. That I deeply, deeply care for people and feel their pain. I can see it on their faces, breath it in, take it on and I do. Mum only got “I’m fucking good enough and I deserve this…” etc etc. The tip of the iceberg. And she told me what she heard. Which hurt, in that moment. Until I realized it was my responsibility to communicate all of what was there for me. (It was also my choice and responsibility to make meaning of what she was saying. Perhaps what I was hearing was not the actual message…) And I had not taken on that responsibility. I could hear how she was only reacting to what I had shared and not all the other stuff that I had neglected to mention. So I shared with her all the rest and how I had a lot of shame around sadness and a lot of guilt and fear around anger. That those emotions may hurt others. I don’t want to do that. Turns out, that not expressing them, being with them or accepting that part of myself, keeps me from truly being there for others in the way that I want. Which is to serve them. To help them find what it is in life that makes them happy and fulfilled.

Another thing that I have noticed when I’ve shared my deepest and most darksome fears and feelings is that I have clearly been privy to the true nature of others. They feel more free and able to be themselves. Of course, when I show vulnerability and in a strange juxtaposition, strength and courage, they may also show the same behaviour in response. They may also not. I have been like this with some who find it diffucult and confronting when I speak my truth and their reactions have shown me that they are not ready to face theirs. There is absolutely no judgement here, just an observation. I do believe that I want to surround myself with those seeking truth, though, and I seek out those people in life. Sometimes it can be scary, sometimes our truth frightens us and that is ok. Though once we see it, sometimes the only way forward is to be with it and to find others who champion who we really are.

{NB – There were another five or so paragraphs here about communication in which I’ll put into another blog… Getting a little long!}

A short one today and a quick little insight… If we can start to see our default way of being and how we act in the world, we can then begin to choose another path. We can choose another way to interact that conveys our truest purpose, that which is most important to us, what is real and what is ultimately and authentically ourselves. To “be” that way, to embrace all of who we are is absolutely the most beautiful and fulfilling feeling. It grounds us and brings us to the present. Nothing else really matters when you can truly express and be yourself.


Until next time, I wish you peace,




Are you ready for something new?

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