A few strange things have happened to me in the last week, month, year… And they are kind of intensifying, in a glorious and really quite comforting way. And I say “happened to me”, though I’ll correct that and say “there have been external reactions, situations, circumstances etc…” that I have noticed as rather peculiar. And they all seem to stem off how I have started to show up in life…
Self-expression is a really, bloody, necessary and beautiful thing that I constantly strive for. That is, showing up as me… The good and the not-so-good, the rock-hard abs, the hairy back, my loving and compassionate nature, the grumpy conceited turd that wakes up every morning, the world-record-holding mad beer brewing entrepreneur, sometimes hopeless romantic, aspiring singer-songwriter, father or two legends and as one of my coaches said “completely f*cked-up dude”… I love you, Tom. And yes, writer of long-sentences. It’s all me. And I have been keeping parts of me hidden. For someone who loves and coaches people around self-expression that is kind of really bloody hypocritical!
So why… Well, because I learnt as a child (or I inferred or whatever) that to be loved I needed to hide certain parts of me. Only some bits were lovable. And….. insert awesome foundation for f*cked up life here________. I’ll just show up as whom I think that person needs me to be so I can be loved and problem solved! YES! Winning. Not. I’d miss out on really connecting with some amazing people and then never seem to please the ones that stayed around anyway. All for the idea that I’d get my love needs met by others. So draining and debilitating. Boo-urns.
This has gone on for some time. On and off, depending on the day or hour of the early morning. Though as I’ve sobered up, sorted out my ADHD, mental health, physical health, life, career, future, past and love-life (still working on that!) I’ve really started to get back in touch with who I really am. That awareness is key for self-expression. First reconnecting with ourselves and then taking the action (courage comes AFTER facing fear) to be self-expressed. Sh*t then snowballs… We start integrating all aspects of ourselves and people notice. Though the key is in the ACTION! The showing up. Time and f*cking time again. Show the f*ck up for YOU. Then you start being you. Crazy. And awesome.
The most beautiful thing I’ve noticed is getting back into being me again has created instant connections with new people in my life. I’m more internally connected, expressing that and then BOOM! More new awesome happy people! Yay! I love it. And no doubt there will be some that don’t enjoy pics of me looking ridiculous with a beer (0.00% beer FTI) stuck in my mouth and shirt off, though the ones that really get me or relate to it. Well, they really get to see me and connect with the real me. It’s a good feeling and one I’d love for you.
I’ve spoken before about my holistic view of life. That is, all aspects of our life (and really, the universe) are connected and by working on our lives and self as a whole we really get to be our true selves and thus, feel f*cking awesome. Feel free, be free, happy, joyous, unbound, all the lovely words that you can think of. And yet, I’ve segregated my life. I’ve kept my coaching apart from my brewery and my music away as well. They are all indeed separate interests and I have valid business reasons for doing this, though I was also pretending to different people, groups, governments, cults, about the fact that all of these ventures are a part of me.
There is a LOT of stuff that I like and have interests in and I got caught in the old trap of “nobody will love me if I’m too – complicated, different, passionate, excited, strange, whimsical etc etc”. So I start to dumb it down or again, only show the parts of me that I think others want to see. GROAAAANNNNNNNNN…………… Well, too bad. I’m over it. That is, I’m over not being me. It’s a daily f*cking battle, though the one thing that has got me this far is the fact that I will keep showing-the-f*ck-up!
As far as business goes – again, showing up time and again is key. Yes, you need to be clear on your “why” and have a vision, to be realistic and responsible, have business acumen, get mentoring, coaching, hire smarter people than yourself, implement the proper systems, pay your taxes etc etc, though when sh*t hits the fan and the tough times come – you need to keep on grinding. Business is not for everyone. I’m sure that I am not a business manager – I am an entrepreneur. A creator, a visionary and a leader. An operator? Absolutely not. I know my strengths and weaknesses and work on both. What has kept me going is the fact that I just keep going. This is sooooooooo much easier when you truly believe in what you are doing, love and own your mission. Though it doesn’t come about by dreaming it… You do need to dream, then you need to act and keep on taking actions. That’s right – show up…
You may be asking what if I don’t believe or what if I don’t know my purpose? How can I take actions if I have no idea on what I want or who I am? Show up. Start taking actions and making decisions based on what you think is right for you. Sitting around and contemplating life will not drive you towards knowing yourself. Not sure if you want to become a submarine periscope operator? Try it. Don’t know if you should get a divorce after 40 years of marriage – do it (or at least f*cking try something different with your spouse – IE be you, be honest). You’ll at least start to cut away the uncertainty and start finding out what you love in life and who you really are. Though you need to start taking actions – every day – to find out who you are. Then you can start being who you are. Awareness through constant action, then expression through action and connection through that. It’s beautiful and something that everyone deserves. You deserve to feel and be completely in love with yourself. Sound strange? It may just now, though you’ll get it soon enough and it is the opposite of strange. It feels like coming home at long last…
So, if you’re out there and at a loss right now as to what to do or you’re going through hell, keep going. Keep taking action, keep moving, keep searching and keep showing up for yourself. You will find your answers from within at some point. Yes, there are ways to expedite the process or feeling lost, though even in doing these – you must show-up. Face your fears, take the actions you know you need to take, start clawing back who you are, bit by gritty bit and there is light at the end of it all. If I can stop drinking beer after 23 years in the middle of the worst f*cking pandemic of our times whilst having UNLIMITED beers (I own a brewery if I didn’t make that clear), and quite literally swap 6-packs for a 6-pack, then you can sort out your sh*t too. As always – I’m here if you want to reach out.
Love you all.
Are you ready for something new?
If you would like to feel complete, peaceful, certain, and excited about life then there are many ways forwards. If you are willing to take on your life and responsibility for it and ready to make an incredibly positive step towards change, then I invite you to reach out. Contact me through the form, the Facebook group, leave a comment, do something. The time is now. The only time is now. The rest of your life awaits, though you must choose it.